Thought I saw you in my head
How’d you slip away again?
Where did you go?
Get so close so many times
Even almost lost my mind
Tryin’ to find you
Alex kept her eyes closed, feeling the water streaming down her face and thought what to do next. She wondered if Adam had already woken up and if he did, what was he gonna do? What was she gonna do? She still hated this situation with Elizabeth, hated that she still couldn’t forget all this crap n just let it go. She knew she had already forgiven Adam. She had forgiven him long ago. She just didn’t know how she was expected to act right now – what, just push him to the wall and kiss like she used to do every time he came back from his damn hunting? Every single day she dreamed of this, that’s true, but to dream and to do are different things. She didn’t even know whether he was single. Maybe he just hang out in the bar and thought why not to break in Caffrey’s place? Why not? That’s exactly what Adam she used to know could do.
-Hey you, stop wasting water. Tell me what ya gonna do now? I'm not sleeping anymore and like Hatico waiting for you by the door.
Lexie shivered, turning her head towards the door. Thanks God it didn’t dawn on him to come in. She smiled, thinking that he hadn’t changed at all and turned the water off. It took her a couple of minutes to get dressed in her old grey T-shirt and shorts and now she was standing, tousling her wet hair, her fingers around the door handle. Caffrey turned back, where the large mirror hang, and meticulously looked at her reflection. She frowned, biting her lip. Then took a deep breath and turned the handle to the right, opening the door.
-Here you are, - she sounded like she still wasn’t sure it was happening, shifting from the one foot to the other. There he was, sitting next to the wall, waiting for her to come. He looked a bit older, there was something different in his eyes and gestures – he became more mature or something. The same could be said of his body – Alex forced herself not to look at his muscles, staring down at the floor, feeling her cheeks turning red. She hadn’t felt something like this for such a long time, it was so weird to feel shy in front of the guy. The guy she used to know so well.
-So.. Didja wanna stay here and look at me? I'm shy, i'm not dressed.
Alex almost burst into laughter, but just smiled, shaking her head and looked at him again. He made her laugh and be nervous, made her be at loss of words and barely keep herself from hugging him. After all this time he still meant so much to her and there was nothing she could do about it.
When he asked her the question they had to actually start with, Alex drew a sigh, putting her arms around her shoulders and reclined to the wall. She stooped, feeling even smaller than usual, her eyes disorientated. What was she supposed to say? She couldn’t fall asleep until midnight, thinking this situation over and over again, recalling each detail in her memory. She has never been sentimental, but it’s hard to keep calm when the man you haven’t seen for a year or so just happens to knock on your door.
-I wasn’t drunk. I don’t remember when I did it for the last time, actually. And what about you? – Caffrey turned her head towards him, looking at his big blue eyes, why the hell are they so childish and innocent! – May be you got drunk that’s why you came to see me. ‘Cos to be honest I can hardly think of the other reason.
She looked away, knowing that she won’t be able to finish if she’ll go on staring at him.
-You know, all this time I was learning to live on my own. Well, you know, like, all this
“brand new day” stuff, throwing away old things, painting the walls in different colour, burning down our photos and things like that. I know it sounds ridiculous and childish, but it is what it is. I’m just a kid, remember, that’s what you used to say when I asked you to take me with you to hunt someone. I tried, really tried to be a different person. You know it was a living hell to wake up every morning, forcing myself to stand up and pretend everything was okay. I kept smiling and repeating that I’m fine, trying not to see your face in everything, trying to convince myself I’ve never known you.
Alex fell silent for a second, hating herself for telling this to him. She wished he never knew what she went through, and at the same time she wanted to be honest with him, ‘cos that’s exactly what she always did.
-And then you, - Caffrey pushed away from the wall, turning to Adam. – Appeared right when I thought I finally got over you. And you know what? It sucks to be far away from a person I was meant to be with. It sucks to keep telling myself that I hate you when I know that deep inside I feel exactly the opposite. Damn you, I totally fucking love you, jerk.
She didn’t know if he felt the same, she didn’t know anything. All she knew is that she couldn’t help rushing to him and hugging him, probably getting too close, but who cares? Alex crossed her arms around his neck, finally feeling exactly where she belonged. She hid her face in his chest, too embarrassed to look straight at him. May be she’ll regret this later, she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it. She stepped back as fast as she crashed in him a minute ago, still too frightened to look in his eyes.
- Well, so, I guess… I guess you’re hungry, so I’d better do you some hot chocolate, right? Right, - she headed to kitchen, leaving Brown in the hall, afraid to look back, afraid to see his reaction, afraid to be disappointed… again.
It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop